My Journey of Discovering My ADHD
My journey of discovering my ADHD has been very different to my autism one (which you can read about here). Although there have been moments of imposter syndrome, from the moment I was told that I was autistic aged sixteen, I knew that the diagnosis was correct. And I knew it was something that was a part of me, and I wanted to learn to accept it. ADHD has been a different story altogether. Considering I have written a blog post on both my autism and OCD journeys, I thought it was time to write one about ADHD!
I was diagnosed with ADHD in January 2023 - eleven months ago. I had been on the waiting list for around eighteen months after being referred by my adult mental health team prior to my discharge. I had asked to be referred because I felt there were things that autism didn’t fully explain, and things which I thought contradicted my autism (for example, seeking new things because I become bored quickly, rather than wanting to stick to a rigid routine; and being very chatty and overly social, albeit not always in a socially appropriate way!).
I went into my ADHD assessment with my parents having no idea what the outcome would be. I was hoping for a diagnosis because I wanted to try medication - to see if it could help me to feel less all over the place and overwhelmed, because this really affected my life and I didn’t know how I would continue to manage things the way they were.
There were a lot of things suggestive of ADHD, but also a lot of things I thought weren’t suggestive. It’s important to remember that all of these traits are human traits and experiences, but it is the intensity, frequency and impact of them which make them symptoms of ADHD.
My ADHD traits:
My thoughts are always racing and I have always believed that my brain works a hundred miles an hour faster than other people’s.
This increases my anxiety because my thoughts don’t stop whirring.
I have a tendency to interrupt people when they are talking.
I have always been impatient and struggled to wait my turn; I’ve always felt things need doing NOW.
Likewise, I am quite impulsive. When I get an idea in my head, I want to do it immediately.
I frequently have bursts of excitement about a new idea or project which take over and I can’t do anything else - but half the time I don’t end up finishing it before I get bored.
I was a very loud and chatty child (and still do struggle to stop talking…).
I jump from topic to topic quickly (in a way that makes perfect sense to me but apparently doesn’t to other people!).
I get bored easily and try to find new ways of doing things so they feel less tedious.
I struggle completing boring tasks like admin and housework.
I become overwhelmed easily when given a set of instructions and struggle to follow them.
I forget information I don’t see as important quickly.
I can never leave the house on time and am always in a rush.
I struggle with emotional dysregulation.
Everything just feels HARD.
Things which I thought meant I didn’t have ADHD:
I have not always fidgeted a lot (at least, not noticeably).
I sat still as a child.
I was not reported to struggle with concentration as a child - in-fact, my school reports say I had a good attention span. However, I LOVED learning and think my academic ability meant my challenges were overlooked. I think my way of dealing with inattention was to focus on something I was interested in - for example I would always have a book on me as I got bored easily.
I don’t really make careless mistakes.
I have always been ULTRA organised. Yet it always seemed to be me who would be the one to forget something at school.
I would sit in a corner and read for hours, which as far as I was aware was not what a child with ADHD would do.
I never got in trouble at school and my concentration did not really affect my school work or grades. I got 10 A*s at GCSE and completed my work to a very high standard. I even had a daily eight hour revision timetable (which I do NOT advocate for…this was extremely unhealthy). However, I did often leave class feeling anxious and restless, having panic attacks, and found it much easier to focus by working on my own or reading information rather than listening to the teacher.
I was diagnosed with ADHD, but my psychiatrist agreed the evidence was mixed and believed I am more hyperactive-impulsive than inattentive, and my autism is more prominent than ADHD.
I think it’s interesting seeing how my autism and ADHD traits have masked each other. In some ways I think they help one another. My autistic strengths make up for my ADHD challenges and vice versa.
Coming to terms with my ADHD diagnosis has been difficult and I still often question if it’s correct. This is partly because I know my symptoms haven’t been as debilitating as other people’s symptoms (though I do think my ADHD impacted my mental health quite significantly) and also partly because of the stereotypes and assumptions society has about ADHD. There is an assumption that ADHD means a child is running around a classroom unable to sit still. That certainly can be the case for some, but it isn’t always. Everyone is different. There are plenty of children with ADHD sitting in the classroom quietly, fidgeting with something or daydreaming. And then they become adults. And for me, that’s when I think the impairment has worsened. There are SO many things to think about and remember. So much time needing to be spent focusing on mundane tasks. And much less time spent expelling energy.
I started ADHD medication earlier this year and it has helped a lot. It is easier to get on with my day, to get started on tasks, to focus on things, to be less restless, to not interrupt people and wait my turn and to manage my anxiety. It’s like I can pull apart my thoughts and take things one step at a time. Like everything is just a bit calmer and I am less chaotic. I am very grateful to have been able to access this.
I have also been working with my wonderful ADHD coach, Leanne Maskell (the founder of ADHD Works) for a few months now. This is funded through Access to Work. I’ve been able to explore the things I struggle with, understand my ADHD more and develop strategies to help.
Of course, ADHD still makes life difficult, but I am gaining skills to manage better, and medication has helped massively.
I spent so long believing I was lazy, forgetful, broken, too-last-minute, sensitive, loud and ‘too much’, when all along…I just had ADHD.