Receiving An Autism Diagnosis Was The Most Liberating Feeling In The World

Receiving an autism diagnosis was the most liberating feeling in the world.

I don’t know how old I was when I realised that I was different. Perhaps it was when I realised that I had no interest in the things other kids in my class cared about.

Perhaps it was when I was bullied for being different.

But, I know I grew up always feeling like an outcast.

When I was diagnosed with autism, everything just clicked into place. It felt like my whole life made sense.

I remember a lot of anxiety growing up. People wouldn’t have seen me as an anxious child. I appeared outgoing and confident. I was loud because I struggled to regulate the volume of my voice. But underneath I was very anxious.

I didn’t understand why other children did the things they did and why my efforts to make them like me didn’t seem to work. I didn’t like group work. I preferred doing tests because I liked working on my own. I struggled to interpret and follow instructions given in one go. I would often interrupt people because I didn’t know when it was my turn to speak. I felt like I was always misunderstanding social situations. I felt like I had no common sense. I had to copy others’ actions and social skills because otherwise I didn’t know what to do.

Receiving a diagnosis of autism was the beginning of me being able to unpick all of these things.

It was the first time I felt like everything wasn’t my fault.

It was the first time I realised I wasn’t just ‘stupid’ and not understanding things wasn’t my fault.

It was the first time I forgave myself a little bit for everything that had happened and the first time I didn’t hate myself as much.

Being diagnosed with autism gave me the permission I needed to stop hurting myself for everything that went wrong.

Being diagnosed with autism was the start of me being able to move on with my life.